HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE GRIEVING

When someone you know faces a significant loss in their life, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Even if you have experienced grief and loss before, it can still feel difficult figuring out how to best offer support as everyone experiences and copes with grief differently. People grieving may be navigating painful and intense emotions of despair, deep sadness, guilt, anxiety, depressed mood, and anger. They often feel alone and isolated in their grief as those around them may become distant due to their own discomfort with painful emotions. This sense of loneliness can intensify their grief as they may feel their support system dwindle over time. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, making them feel worse, or reminding them of their deceased loved one. You may wonder if it’s better to not say anything at all since there is nothing you can do to take away their pain. However, someone grieving will most likely appreciate acknowledgement of their loss as many people will ignore their grief and expect them to move forward quickly in many areas of their life, especially at work where it is common practice to only provide three days of bereavement leave, if any at all. If you’re feeling at a loss for words and stuck on how to help someone, here are some of the top tips for supporting someone grieving:

Understand the grieving process

Grief is a deeply personal and unique journey for everyone. It’s important to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and therefore, there is nothing specific the person you are supporting “should” be doing during their grieving process. People may experience a wide range of intense emotions like sadness, anger, shock, and numbness and may have difficulties sleeping and concentrating. There is also no set timeline for grieving. Grief takes time and is not something someone simply “gets over” one day; rather it is a non-linear healing process. Grief never truly goes away, but the grieving person’s life can grow around their grief overtime, making it easier to manage and integrate into their day-to-day life. It can help to let someone grieving know they can grieve at their own pace.

Offer practical help

While it can be a nice gesture to tell someone who is grieving that they can reach out to you if they need anything, it is more helpful to suggest specific ways you can offer support, especially in the early days of grief where life tasks can feel overwhelming. Practical support can look like offering to drop off a meal, helping with errands like grocery shopping, picking up their children from school (if they’re parents), assisting with paperwork, or caring for their pet, among other possible tasks. Many grieving people can struggle to reach out for help so offering specific ways you are able to assist can be meaningful.

Be present and actively listen without judgement

Grieving people often worry about burdening others, fearing they will “bring the mood down” at social functions with their heavy emotions. Bearing this in mind, it is helpful to let them know you welcome their grief and can compassionately listen without judgment. Even if you don’t always know what to say, your presence and acknowledgement of their loss can be comforting. It can also help to give them space to talk about their lost loved one, recount memories and ask them questions about their loved one as they may fear their loved one being forgotten. Don't share platitudes like “They’re in a better place now” or suggest there are silver linings to grief. These statements can minimize someone’s grief and make someone feel invalidated in their pain.

Validate that grief is painful

Grief can be life-altering, all-consuming, and difficult to process and accept. Validating their emotions, whether sadness, anger, guilt, or numbness, can be reassuring at a time where nothing in their world may make sense. Instead of trying to “fix” their grief or cheer them up, express empathy, normalize their experience with grief and offer a caring hug, if they appreciate physical touch.

Provide ongoing support while respecting boundaries

Grief doesn’t go away after the funeral or cremation. Grieving people may experience a dip in support after a few weeks or months, so it can be helpful to continue checking in, especially on anniversaries and significant dates that can be difficult, with a simple “Thinking of you today. No pressure to reply.” At the same time, respect their need for space and let them decide what support feels right for them. Supporting someone who is grieving is important, but remember that you are not their therapist. While your presence and care can provide some relief, they may also need professional support to process their grief. If they’re struggling, it is best to encourage them to seek therapy and remind them that getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can let them know you’re there to listen, but you don’t have to carry their grief alone.