HOW TO MANAGE FRIENDSHIP CONFLICTS

Most of us were not taught how to handle conflict growing up, not in our families, and definitely
not in our friendships. In fact, friendships are often thought to be the one relationship we can
count on being entirely conflict-free as there is this misguided idea that friendships should
always be fun, effortless, and stress-free.

While healthy friendships do bring joy, laughter, and playfulness, they also involve navigating disagreements from time to time. Conflicts are inevitable to have when we all have different values, needs and life perspectives shaped by our upbringing. It’s normal to have moments of tension with friends or be hurt by their actions at times, especially if we have different attachment styles. This is because our attachment styles along with past trauma and life experiences can not only influence how we show up in friendship, but also impact our expectations of them. Understanding this can help us face friendship problems with more self-awareness and compassion.

Some of the most common conflicts in friendship arise from the following issues:

Different Life Stages

People tend to drift apart from their friends when they experience
major life changes like entering a new romantic relationship, getting married, or having
children. This is because people often de-prioritize their friendships while adjusting to
these big changes, making less time for their friends. As a result, friends who are in a
different life stage than them with more time to devote to friendship, may begin to feel
abandoned and disconnected

Grief and Life Hardships

When people face overwhelmingly difficult life events such
as divorce, death of a loved one, or diagnosis of an illness, they understandably may not
have the emotional bandwidth to be there for their friends as they normally would. During
these hardships, they often need extra support, but friends may not always know how to
offer comfort and may choose to distance themselves due to their own discomfort
around painful emotions

Differing Attachment Styles

Attachment styles can impact our needs in relationships
and when our emotional needs differ, we may experience friction in our friendships. For
example, if someone leans anxiously attached, they may value frequent communication,
but if their friend leans avoidant, they may value having space and view
frequent communication as smothering or overwhelming

Differing Values and Opinions

When friends differ in their political views, career
choices, and lifestyle choices, conflict may come up if they don’t respect each other’s
differences

Socioeconomic Differences

When friends come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, they may have financial disagreements over each other’s spending habits and the activities chosen for hangouts

Clashing Personalities and Communication Styles

Personality differences can create misunderstandings. For example, if someone is blunt in their communication style, but their friend is more careful with their words, conflict may ensue

If you encounter problems like these in your friendships and have no idea how to approach
resolving them, these are five tips that can help:

Manage Triggers and Accept Differences
Before reacting with defensiveness or blame, take a step back and reflect on your
emotions to see where they are coming from. Ask yourself if your automatic judgments,
thoughts, and feelings seem familiar to you as they can stem from past trauma, life
experiences or insecurities. Recognize that it is okay for your friends to have different
wants, needs, goals, priorities and life outlooks. The sooner you accept your differences,
the easier it will be to hear their side of the conflict

Talk About It and Actively Listen
Practice addressing conflict as soon as possible as ignoring issues over a long period of
time can build resentment. If possible, give your friend a heads up that you’d like to talk
about something bothering you so they aren’t caught off guard as they may be unaware
of the problem. Use honest, constructive communication to express your feelings, but be
careful to focus on what objectively happened and the impact it had on you, rather than
making any assumptions or blaming them. Using “I” statements can help your friend
listen to your concerns with less defenses. For example, instead of saying, "You are
never there for me and I can never count on you," you can try, "I felt hurt when you didn’t
check to see how I was doing this week since my breakup. I could use some extra
support right now. Could you call to check in on me this weekend? I’d appreciate it." By
making a specific request, your friend has an actionable way to potentially meet your
needs. Actively listen to their perspective and try to seek common ground

Apologize If Needed and Forgive If Possible
If you’ve contributed to the conflict in some shape or form, take accountability by
apologizing for your part and sharing specific actions that you plan to take to be a better
friend. If they’ve hurt you, assess whether you are able to forgive them given the
circumstances. Offering grace and understanding in friendships when possible goes a
long way

Set Boundaries When Needed
If your friend’s behavior is starting to negatively impact your well-being, you can
establish clear boundaries. Many people think setting boundaries is all about telling
others what they can and can’t do, but boundaries are actually more about how you will
choose to respond if a boundary is crossed. For example, if a friend constantly tries to
gossip during your hangouts, you can say, "I don’t enjoy gossiping and therefore, if you
gossip, I will change the subject of our conversation." Boundaries can ultimately
preserve the health of your friendship in the long run.

Make a Plan to Move Forward
Once you’ve talked about the problem and come to a mutual understanding and
resolution, consider doing a bonding activity to rebuild the connection. For example, you can do an activity you both enjoy like going for a walk, grabbing dinner at one of your
favorite restaurants, or checking out a bookstore together. This can help you both
remember why you became friends in the first place by bringing back a sense of
camaraderie and shared joy.

Conflict in friendships is natural, so it helps to have healthy tools like the ones mentioned above
to work through them so you can strengthen your bond. By using open constructive
communication, adopting a non-judgmental curious mindset, and taking accountability when
needed, most friendships can bounce back and grow from disagreements or
misunderstandings. However, if problems persist and you start to notice unhealthy dynamics in
your friendship, it may be beneficial to see a therapist to process the conflict further and ensure
your well-being.